Therapy for Relationship Issues—Knowing Your Attachment Style
Individual therapy for relationship issues can be useful for addressing problems or growth areas and lots of different types of relationships. The relationships we can focus on in individual therapy for relationship issues are ones like your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your boss, your friends, or your partner/spouse. This type of therapy is very helpful. It can be effective and productive even when the other person isn't present in the therapy.
What We Focus on in Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues
Some of the major things we'll focus on in individual therapy for relationship issues are understanding your attachment style and what you are bringing to the relationship dynamic. We will develop your ability to communicate clearly so that your needs can get met and learn how to set effective verbal and physical boundaries.
We also examine how codependent behaviors might be at play in your relationship, including how to create healthier boundaries, and how to decrease a sense of responsibility for others’ emotions and actions.
This blog today will focus on understanding your attachment style. As a psychologist, I conceptualize attachment styles as running along a spectrum of stress—when we are more stressed, we express our more insecure attachment style, e.g., anxious, avoidant, disorganized. When we are less stressed, we move towards the more secure end of the spectrum. Attachment theory is a way to explain the stress you experience in relationships and understand the ways that you manage stress in your relationships. Your attachment style does not define your personality; it helps define how you show up in your relationships.
Understanding Your Attachment Style
Anxious Attachment Style
One major part of understanding any relationship issues is understanding your attachment style and how it impacts your expectations, beliefs, and responses in that relationship. When we have an anxious style of attachment, we're often working from a core belief that we are not lovable or not worthy of love. When working from this anxious attachment style, the central fear is being abandoned. We view information through a lens of fear that the other person doesn't care about us. We rely on our partners for a feeling of self-worth, and this feeling of self-worth is vulnerable to micro-moments of acceptance, dysregulation, or distance from our partners. Our systems exist in a state of hypervigilance to our partners approval, emotional connection, and affection, and this system is wired to pick up on the tiniest changes in those states in an effort to protect us from being abandoned and losing the relationship. We may work very hard to get attention and approval from our partner.
When we have an anxious attachment style, we may show up in relationships as emotionally sensitive—quick to feel offended, dissatisfied, or upset by our partner’s behavior. At times, this style may be perceived as critical, demanding, and overly needy with our partner. These ways of being are the ways that our system is trying to create safety and certainty in the relationship, but the anxious voice persistently tells us, “It’s not good enough” or “We’re not ok.”
Avoidant Attachment Style
In contrast, with an avoidant attachment style, we fear not being seen as competent or capable. Our biggest fear is being seen as a failure. If we're met with feedback or if the other person is unhappy with us, then we often feel rejected, sad, and even feel shame. We may get defensive when our partners have feedback for us and avoid conflict in an effort to “not make things worse.”
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to be extremely self-reliant and independent—in fact, relying on others can create discomfort and stress. This self-reliance is both for practical matters and for emotional needs, which might make it hard to get emotionally close to others. Due to this independence, we often experience our partners as always wanting more and more from us or being “needy.” There may be a tendency to have trouble feeling or expressing emotions, to our partners and even to ourselves. All of these characteristics are strategies we are often unconsciously employing in an attempt to stay safe and protect ourselves. Vulnerability, both emotionally and in terms of relying on someone else, feels terrifying.
Disorganized Attachment Style
From a disorganized attachment style, we feel we can't trust others or ourselves. Nowhere feels safe. The caregivers we relied on for love and care also caused us harm. We both seek closeness and avoid closeness, creating a push-pull feeling our relationships. We want to be reached out to, but often avoid connection or reject the overture once we receive it. Internal emotional experiences may feel fragmented, chaotic, and confusing. There is a strong desire for intimacy while at the same time an intense fear of it. People with this style often expect rejection and betrayal in relationships, making it hard to trust others and fearing that those people closest to them will hurt them. There is a tendency to end relationships prematurely or pick partners that confirm their fears which leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Secure Attachment Style
A secure attachment style is characterized by knowing how to be emotionally available in a relationship and also independent. We have a sense of certainty that our partner will be there when we need them, and feel little anxiety when separated from them. We can communicate our emotions and needs freely, and can remain calm during conflict. We are flexible and cooperative with our partners and feel emotionally close. There is trust along with autonomy and a secure sense of self. This style is not prone to the highs of anxiety or the distance of avoidance, creating more consistency and stability in relationships.
What is Attachment-based Therapy for Relationship Issues?
In Attachment-based Therapy, we work towards shifting your attachment style to be more secure attachment style. A Secure Attachment Style might sound like “I'm worthy of appreciation and love. I have value regardless of what I do. Any rupture with another person is temporary and feel confident it can be repaired.” To develop a more secure attachment style both with yourself and others, you can start by reflecting on a few questions. How do I want to show up in this world? How can I shift my actions and responses in order to be more grounded and regulated? What behaviors can I model in this relationship in the hopes of getting them back in return? How can I move toward connection instead of defending myself or blaming others?
The primary methods of healing insecure attachment styles are building emotion regulation skills, challenging negative beliefs about relationships, understanding how early childhood experiences have contributed to those negative beliefs, and recognizing how our current behaviors are perpetuating those relationship patterns.
Learn To Self-Regulate
To create a more secure attachment within ourselves, we first start with learning to self-regulate when we are emotionally activated. Self-regulation requires being able to label your emotions and understand your emotions. It also requires grounding yourself in your body to choose a response instead of being reactive.
Once we can self-regulate, we're better able to communicate clearly. Self-regulation prevents negative communication cycles of blame, shame, and criticism. Healthy communication cycles also include being able to reflect on our own needs, assumptions, and expectations. We learn to take responsibility for what we bring to the interaction in a non-blaming manner towards ourselves.
We can tap into more empathy for the other person as well as a true desire for understanding instead of defending ourselves. When we approach another person in this spirit of cooperation and collaboration, we're more likely to find a positive outcome, thus, showing that we can trust each other in this relationship. All these things allow us to be emotionally close by being more vulnerable in our relationships.
Here are some great books on Attachment Styles that my clients have found helpful:
Interested in Starting Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues in Los Angeles, CA?
If you're struggling with relationship issues, exploring your attachment style through individual therapy for relationship issues can be a game changer. Understanding your attachment style can help you identify patterns that may be sabotaging your relationships and give you the tools to make positive changes. Take the first step towards healthier relationships by meeting with me, Kathryn Williams, a relationship issues therapist, who specializes in attachment theory. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me, a relationship therapist.
Schedule your first appointment and begin Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues.
Begin exploring your attachment style and start seeing positive changes in your relationships!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles, CA
At Flourishment Psychology, I am here to help you no matter what you may be going through. This is why I offer a variety of counseling services for individuals, women, therapists, and families. Besides Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues, I also specialize in trauma therapy, anxiety treatment, corporate wellness training, and clinical training. All of these services are offered in person in Los Angeles or virtually in California and New York. To learn more check out my FAQs and Blog!
